Bad Nights Are in the Air

Seems impossible to live a month in my young life without having at least 2 or 3 bad days that turn into bad nights. I'm 23 years old and feel like my brain is full of valuable lessons that time and experience in this life has taught me. But I also know that there is so much more to be learned. So much more to learn from people. From peoples smiles, laughs, and stories, and also from peoples harsh words, cold shoulders, and betrayal. So much to learn from death, from salvation, from conversations, from love, from marriage, from hugs and locked fingers, and anything else that touches your heart in ways that books or lectures cannot. I'm nervous, scared, but eager above all. Excited and eager.

Im amazed at how intertwined people can become. How hurt and lost a person can make you. How amazing and blissful a person can make you feel. I hope that I make people happy. I hope that I make people feel loved. I hope that I can love a women through it all. IT, being arguments, fights, tragedys, and basically anything else. basically, I hope that I can be a rad kick ass husband. I believe in institution of marriage, though at times have serious doubts, but with God's grace, I hope that I can be a piece in the redemption of sacred matrimony.

The 23 years that I've been alive (namely the past 8 years, especially the past 6) have been full throtle, it seems. I've learned about myself that I am severely depraved and evil at times. I've learned that to live humbly and with integrety is more rewarding that financial success, musical success, or social success. I want to display the character of Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ.. The man and theme of the New Testament and the Old Testament. He was absolute in his love. His character changed the world. He was perfect. A role model of a perfect human being. He was God. God ought be nothing less, I suppose, seeing as how he created mankind.

I want to be a passionate lover. A passionate friend. A bad ass dad. A family man. A brother who my brothers can brag about. I wanna be the best son I can be. But I have a moral dilemma. I'm a sinner, and a sinner wants none of things, if he were only a sinner. But I'm not only a sinner. Salvation has come down and wrapped me up in his loving arms. Love hurts. Love pulls me with force and logic (and ilogic [is that a word?]) from my depraved state of being. Love shows me whats best for me, even though I think I know whats best. I often live as though I am God. Even today, and every now and then, I actually believe that I am god. I suppose in a sense I am. I can live that. It is possible, however it never works. God ought to be perfect. Perfection needs not be changed or altered, yet when I am god I do that every minute to live in this world. I change because of outside forces that change my "perfect" path. I aint god... and thank God thats true. But I still have to remind myself of that throughout the day.. odd.

I don't always want too, but I live my life pursuing (or half ass pursuing) God. I live my life with Jesus on every thought or decision that I make. It can be awfully annoying because whats best for me is not always what I want. I love smoking ciggarretes... aint the best... but tonight I bought a pack.. work sucked.. today sucked.. i wanted a Camel. thought it would make me feel good. it did.

I cried tonight. A dear friend I know here in Joplin town just lost his dad to a motorcyle wreck. He wrote a blog about who his dad was. It hit me hard. I can't even imagine. I love my dad.. I love my family. Good Lord I have been blessed with such an amazing family. They ain't perfect. My parents are divorced. We get on each others nerves. But God do I love them fiercly. Family is one of the greatest things God has created. I look forward to being a dad who will make his son proud, just like I wanna make my dad proud. I sent my dad this text after reading the blog: "buddy of mine just lost his dad in a wreck. Just wanted to say that I love you and appreciate you... don't die" He responded, "love you too." that was enough. Family is such an amazing institution that the Lord has created.

The doors of my mind have began to shut.

I really like a girl. Her name is Sarah Gracie Grace and she sure does have a pretty pretty face ;)