Bad Nights Are in the Air

Seems impossible to live a month in my young life without having at least 2 or 3 bad days that turn into bad nights. I'm 23 years old and feel like my brain is full of valuable lessons that time and experience in this life has taught me. But I also know that there is so much more to be learned. So much more to learn from people. From peoples smiles, laughs, and stories, and also from peoples harsh words, cold shoulders, and betrayal. So much to learn from death, from salvation, from conversations, from love, from marriage, from hugs and locked fingers, and anything else that touches your heart in ways that books or lectures cannot. I'm nervous, scared, but eager above all. Excited and eager.

Im amazed at how intertwined people can become. How hurt and lost a person can make you. How amazing and blissful a person can make you feel. I hope that I make people happy. I hope that I make people feel loved. I hope that I can love a women through it all. IT, being arguments, fights, tragedys, and basically anything else. basically, I hope that I can be a rad kick ass husband. I believe in institution of marriage, though at times have serious doubts, but with God's grace, I hope that I can be a piece in the redemption of sacred matrimony.

The 23 years that I've been alive (namely the past 8 years, especially the past 6) have been full throtle, it seems. I've learned about myself that I am severely depraved and evil at times. I've learned that to live humbly and with integrety is more rewarding that financial success, musical success, or social success. I want to display the character of Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ.. The man and theme of the New Testament and the Old Testament. He was absolute in his love. His character changed the world. He was perfect. A role model of a perfect human being. He was God. God ought be nothing less, I suppose, seeing as how he created mankind.

I want to be a passionate lover. A passionate friend. A bad ass dad. A family man. A brother who my brothers can brag about. I wanna be the best son I can be. But I have a moral dilemma. I'm a sinner, and a sinner wants none of things, if he were only a sinner. But I'm not only a sinner. Salvation has come down and wrapped me up in his loving arms. Love hurts. Love pulls me with force and logic (and ilogic [is that a word?]) from my depraved state of being. Love shows me whats best for me, even though I think I know whats best. I often live as though I am God. Even today, and every now and then, I actually believe that I am god. I suppose in a sense I am. I can live that. It is possible, however it never works. God ought to be perfect. Perfection needs not be changed or altered, yet when I am god I do that every minute to live in this world. I change because of outside forces that change my "perfect" path. I aint god... and thank God thats true. But I still have to remind myself of that throughout the day.. odd.

I don't always want too, but I live my life pursuing (or half ass pursuing) God. I live my life with Jesus on every thought or decision that I make. It can be awfully annoying because whats best for me is not always what I want. I love smoking ciggarretes... aint the best... but tonight I bought a pack.. work sucked.. today sucked.. i wanted a Camel. thought it would make me feel good. it did.

I cried tonight. A dear friend I know here in Joplin town just lost his dad to a motorcyle wreck. He wrote a blog about who his dad was. It hit me hard. I can't even imagine. I love my dad.. I love my family. Good Lord I have been blessed with such an amazing family. They ain't perfect. My parents are divorced. We get on each others nerves. But God do I love them fiercly. Family is one of the greatest things God has created. I look forward to being a dad who will make his son proud, just like I wanna make my dad proud. I sent my dad this text after reading the blog: "buddy of mine just lost his dad in a wreck. Just wanted to say that I love you and appreciate you... don't die" He responded, "love you too." that was enough. Family is such an amazing institution that the Lord has created.

The doors of my mind have began to shut.

I really like a girl. Her name is Sarah Gracie Grace and she sure does have a pretty pretty face ;)

"Stop Thinking Like a Philosopher and Think Like a Christian"

Those were the words from one of the most brilliant minds I have ever personally known, and do know. I bought a 16oz bottle of Southern Comfort during the Christmas holidays a few years back. I was in Texas at my dad's condo. Not before long, I had drank well over half of the bottle. I was drunk. I was alone. I was depressed and full of thoughts that went no where good. I remember being very bothered by the fact that I didn't believe that Jesus was truth. I was saddened, as I had never been so close to wanting to leave this faith in the dust. I felt like someone close to me was dying. I felt as though I had out smarted Jesus and was ready to call him a fake, to tell him that he didn't make sense, that he wasn't pragmatic. I believed that I was god. I made the decisions and I decided for myself what was to be true and what was to be false.

I called Zach crying on the phone, explaining my ordeal. I knew that Zach would have good insight for me. Everytime I bring something up to Zach, his explanations often give me the impression that he'd been pondering the same thing, except much longer, and had come to a solid conclusion. I do not remember much, but I remember him telling me, "dude.. you gotta stop thinking like a philosopher and think like a Christian." Those words have been branded into my mind. They always linger. I am grateful for those words.


I wish I could stop there. Flip a switch, ya know? A switch that would go from Philosopher to Christian. But there ain't one. I am not by any means calling myself a philosopher. I respect the title too much to apply it to myself. But I don't respect it enough, at least right now in this post, to make it synonymous with Depraved Thinker. ha.

I am not a strict adherent to Reason. I am not much of a Rationalist. Some would disagree and say that I am. But in the honest sense, nah I'm not. I throw out reason and logic for emotions everyday. But I think trying hard to follow reason is what may get me in ruts at times. Bertrand Russel is someone I enjoy reading. He writes in a very clear and understandable way, and has a brilliant way of thinking and expresssing his thoughts. He was a dedicated and loyal follower of reason, perhaps more so than anyone in the history of philosphy. In many of his essays and books, he addresses questions about our place in the universe, religion, Christianity, death, morals, and sexual ethics blah blah blah. I always enjoy reading from his Why I'm Not A Christian. Here lately I picked it up and just read some of my favorite chapters. In his chapter What I Believe he explains his reasoning for not believing in eternal life. He confesses that when he dies, he will rot, and he is okay with that. He explains that eternal life cannot be, because the mind is powered by the brain. The brain is a physical organ wired by protons and electrons ane nuerons and all kinds of stuff. When we die, our body dies and rots, therefore leaving our brain rotting and dead as well, as it is a physical organ. Therefore when the brain is deceased, our ability to think and reason and dream has passed away as well. How, therefore, can we be immortal or inherit eternal life if we have not a brain or a mind, let alone a body, to enjoy it with?

He goes on to say that believers in immortality will reject his physiological arguments on the grounds that soul and body are totally disparate, and that "the soul is something quite other than its empirical manifestations through our bodily organs," of which he believes to be a "metaphysical superstition." Watchman Nee, in his large book, the Spiritual Man argues that Soul, Body, and Spirit are separate, and that man is triune, like the image in which he was made after, GOD, the father, the son, and the Holy Ghost. He says that the Soul is the product of the spirit being in contact with the body. The Soul is something unique. It is our organ of our own free will, the organ in which spirit and body are completely merged. "If man's soul wills to obey God, it will allow the spirit to rule over the man as ordered by God."

So when we die, I think we continue in spirit. Obviously the body is destroyed, leaving the soul out of luck because it needs the body, and we are left with our spirit (1 Corinthians 15:44). All this thinking and to what conclusion? Nothing really. Just a nice ride. I see the son lighting the streets. I have not went to bed yet. I guess I'll do that now. Thanks for reading, Alexis.

Jesus Loves You This You Should Know

The marque was supposed to read, "Jesus Loves You This You Should Know." It was about 9pm when the photo was taken. I left the shudder open too long, which is why you can't read the black font. I was looking forward to this picture coming out well. There is always one photo on a roll of film that really makes you look forward to getting the roll back, and this was the one. I felt that it kinda speaks volumes at the condition of Joplin, or any city or town in the world. Jesus Loves You... This You SHould Know. I wanted the cars in the background to be the victims of the statement, and they turned out ok, but the dadgum marque didn't. Oh well.

I know what it says, and perhaps, thats whats most important. I am a white washed tomb... well I don't even know if I can call myself white washed... but I'm a tomb. I spend a lot of time and energy, sometimes against my own will, showing people what Jesus' love looks like. But how I do that, I do not even know, because i have a hard time believeing that He loves me. Its an odd place, because i know that the whole idea of Jesus is to love us, to the point of dying for us so that we may be saved. Yet as I discussed in my last post, or the one before, the magnitude of the word Love is something that I doubt my finite human mind may ever be able to comprehend. Jesus asks that we love Him and love others, those are the two greatest commandments. There ought to be a long list of other commandments in our New Testaments for us to read over and obey, but there isn't, which gives evidence to the strength and enourmity (thats probably not even a damn word) of Love. If we can just Love Jesus. If we can just Believe that he Loves us.

Jesus Loves You This You Should Know. Nick, Amber, Ray, Lindsay, Alexis, Anna, Chris, Zach, Tim, Keaton, Christophe, Antonio... Jesus loves you. This you should Know.

Some people can stop and ponder that and rejoice in it. I on the other hand am frustrated and disspointed by the statement. Good Jesus you preach Freedom. You say that Freedom is in you. But Good Teacher, show me how! Master teach me how to rest! Rabbi, why have you made this so hard and cruel? Jesus I confess a bitterness to you. Do you understand how hard it is to bow my head and pretend that I am grateful for you peace and salvation? Why is that? Why have you made Love such an unatainable concept to grasp and live with? You say you've saved me, but I feel damned and destined for anger and rage and disgust. Destined for a life of turmoil and dissapointment. But you are Life. You are abundant life, Truth Peace and Freedom and Salvation. Well I say... teach me. please. I feel worthless and sick.

I am told to not listen to my subjective feelings, that my emotions come and go with the wind. This is true. I believe that. I am told to preach to myself the gospel. (which by the way is a word that only frustrates me). I'm told to preach myself the life, death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus. That He is truth, and I am wrong. That I am a sinner, and He is perfect. That I am deserving of Death, but He has saved me. That I am free from Sin, and that I am not really in bondage. That He is God, and I am not.

Stretch

Who doesn't love to stretch? Physically speaking, it feels great, its like something is being released in your body that makes it feel good all over. I feel like a "thats what she said" can fit somehwere in here, especially if I keep describing how a stretch feels.

Not all stretching feels good. Being stretched as a person, like seeing a homeless person and knowing that you can help them out, you don't really want too, but you do, and its a stretch, and I suppose it feels good afterwards. Or giving someone a ride while its either really hot or cold or even a nice day. Giving people rides its actually something I do often, wither they are hitchign a hike or just walking, I tend to stop. Its a bit of a stretch, but also a joy. But stretching... like praying or confessing or really doing something you don't wanna do cause you know that somehow it will be good.

I first think this: if it doesn't feel good, then why do it? If its not fun, then why try it? If they aren't cool, or entertaining, then why talk to them? And again, the curse of Jesus Christ comes back to haunt me. We do it because He would have. He loved the unloved. I suppose I can stop my post right here. Its just a continuation from the last one casue it got me thinking. I have my roomate and a dear friend of ours in the kitchen right now cooking, and the last thing in the world I wanna see is a human face, and unfortunately, I make that known when I see a face. I don't want too, but I feel like I am out of control. Anyways, Jesus loved the unloved. Not only that, he died for them.

I say that I need evidence or historical accuracy to help me believe in Jesus. If only this would line up then I can believe, or only if this would make sense, then I will act. But I know those are just things or obstacles I try to put in front of the Holy Spirit, to slow Him down, if you will. I can have an actually true blue footage of Jesus on Youtube Feeding that damn 5,000, and still not believe. What a depraved and unbelieving heart I have trapped inside this bag of bones. Jesus may or may not be real, but the truth is, and for some reason, He is real, and He is truth.

Now ought that not command and recieve my submission and actions? Ought not his Death on the Cross demand every ounce of my life? All he asks is that I love him. Love, God Allmighty is trying to tell us and show us that love is much more powerful than we can imagine. If all we are to do is Love Jesus... life is supposed to be right? Well not easy, but at least right? Is there a right way to live life? Is being a Real Christian living rightly, or living fully?

A few weeks ago I was journaling at the Ozark Library and decided or complained that at times my brain just stops. Like all the doors that were open, which could have been numerous, or just a few important ones, suddenly close! and all my mind hits the closed doors making a loud thud, and me left being confused as to what happened.

I guess I can't think no more. Then I wonder, is this a sort of device that God installed in our minds, like a shut off switch? Maybe its not in everyone's mind, but I know there was one in Chris Judalets 98 Chevey Silverado, when you hit 95 mph the truck would shut off then start again. Perhaps God installed one of those in my mind so that I wouldn't think to a supreme all time new low depression, or think until I think I'm so smart that I do something stupid like denoune my faith or my friends or family.

whatver the case, my shut off switch just happened.

Desayuno con Amigos/Tomorrow Is My Savior

Its always difficult. Rarely is an early breakfast with friends an easy task. For those of you who know me well, you know that there are only a very select small group of individuals who can transcend through my thick introverted field that surrounds me. I love my friends, all of them, but not all of them can I withstand during a strong introverted fit. In the mornings, I do not want to see or hear anyone, unless you are one of the select few. Those who are chosen as a select few aren't necessarily chosen by me. I think its just more of a how that person is built personality wise that allows them to always be at peace around me. You can be a hyper and high strung person and still be able to transcend, while someone who is really chill and easy going may not be able to transcend, I cannot choose. It just happens or happened.

I'm not a morning person.

I have carried this theme for the past 4 or 5 years: I wake up depressed the majority of every morning. Especially these past few mornings, this past month. July hasn't been a good month by any means. Does a bachelors degree mean anything to anyone? Does hard work and good references mean anyhting? I can't get a fucking job, I feel like shit, I actually had to borrow money from my dad this month. I am at an all time extreme level of dissapointment with myself. I'm just not happy. Jesus is my savior, but I ain't letting him. I'm putting my salvation and money in tomorow. Tomorrow is my savior. Tomorrow will make things better. Even though Tomorrow has yet to save me and make me happy, I still trust in it. I wonder why. Its easy to abandon logic. I'm not right.

Waking up is the worst part of the day. You wake realizing that nothing really changed, that your life still sucks, even though on the outside it looks great, and probably is great, but its just not worth it when you're just not happy, when joy is a foreign idea, only something you pretend to have because you're supposed too as a Christian. I have things to do today. I don't want to do them. I want to stay in my room, maybe go to the gym later. Everything's meaningless. Whats the worth of ambition, long term ambition and plans in a closed off deterministic universe when whatever the fuck is gonna happen happens. Welll that may not be true. But thats how it feels. Perhaps not. In the theological sense, I believe that things are gonna go down as they were intended to go down, but apart from a belief in God, i suppose that we are the only things or beings who can act as god, and with a lot of small gods running around, then our destinys are our owns, but that does nothing to give account to the things such as luck, or "bad deal" or "good deal." You can play your cards right every day and be a good person, but at some point, whether you like it or not, some shits gonna hit the fan,... in the bad way, and fuck your life up, at least temporarily. And it doesn't account for the belief or idea, perhaps a naive one, that everythings gonna turn out all right. yes, everything will be all right.

Whether we like it or not, we all acknoledge a God I think. We may not openly proclaim it, but our actions show it. We live in mystery and acknoledge it to a certain extent. We believe in forces above, in some sort of divine who is gonna take care of our loved ones when they are dead. We believe. I believe. Unfortunately for me, I have been taught about Jesus, a man who has wrecked my life becuase he supposedly loves me and died for me. Its hard to accept a gift like that when you are prideful and depressed, and in a wierd sort of way, want to stay that way (Rhyme).

Passions Fade I Guess

From David Hume. An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding

A Miracle is a violation of the laws of nature; and as a firm unalterable experience has established these laws, the proof against a miracle, from the very nature of the fact, is as entire as any argument from experience can possible be imagined. Why is it more than probable, that all men must die; that lead cannot, of itself, remain suspended in the air; that fire consumes wood, and is extinguished by water; unless it be, that these events are found agreeable to the laws of nature, and there is required a violation of these laws, or in other words, a miracle to prevent them? Nothing is esteemed a miracle, if it ever happen in the common course of nature. it is no miracle that a man, seemingly in good health, should die on a sudden: because such a kind of death, though more unusual than any other, has yet been frequently observed to happen. But it is a miracle, that a dead man should come to life; because that has never been observed in any age or country. There must, therefore, be a uniform experience against every miraculous event, otherwise the event would not merit that appellation... The plain consequence is (and it is a general maxim worthy of our attention), 'That no testimony is sufficient to establish a miracle, unless the testimony be of such a kind, that its falsehood would be more miraculous, than the fact, which it endeavours to establish...' When anyone tells me, that he saw a dead man restored to life, I immediately consider with myself, whether is be more probable, that this person should either be deceive or be deceived, or that the fact, which he relates, should really have happened. I weigh the one miracle against the other; and according to the superiority, which I discover, I pronounce my decision, and always reject the greater miracle. If the falsehood of this testimony would be more miraculous, than the event which he relates; then, and not till then, can he pretend to command my belief or opinion.
In the foregoing reasoning we have supposed, that the testimony, upon which a miracle is founded, may possibly amount to an entire proof, and that the falsehood of that testimony would be a real prodigy: But it is easy to shew, that we have been a great deal too liberal in our concession, and that there was never a mirculous even established on so full an evidence.

Hume's sceptical rationalism was a major challenge to religious beliefs throughout the later 18th and 19th centuries and still today I suppose.

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"Indeed, since the credibility of Christianity rests on the Resurrection of Christ (1 Corinthians 15:12-19), the whole orthodox Christian faith crumbles if miracles do not occur. If historical biblical Christianity is to survive and make sense to the modern mind, it is necessary to provide a reasonable explanation of the supernatural. Apart from the Credibility of the biblical account of miracles, we can bid farewell to orthodox Christianity. Such is the challenge before us."
-Norman L. Geisler

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and now me:

I used to get fired up about stuff like that. Reading about David Hume and the effects of his brilliant critiques used to motivate me to want to learn, to want to study, to learn to "philosohize," to know my Bible, to sharpen my wits, to be on my toes. But now... now? Well.. I feel like I've drifted out of the intellectual phase and into simplicity. Perhaps I have gone with the tide from modernity to post modernism. Perhaps I've read too much Marcus Borg.

Maybe Christianity doesn't need miracles. But maybe it does. Maybe Christianity doesn't need history. But maybe it does. I submit that yes, it does. Yes to both of those maybes. But Jesus. May I detach Jesus from Christianity? Just for a second, thank you. Jesus. Does Jesus need history? Does Jesus need the narratives from the greatest Theologians, Matthew, Mark, Luke, and of course John, to be historical reliable and accurate to the T? I submit, no. Perhaps not. Does Jesus need anything? Well, to follow the logic of Jesus being God, a perfect being, then I should think, no, Jesus doesn't need anything. Perfection needs not be changed, therefore needs nothing. Jesus commands, and demands, but needs? No. I do not think I have what would be under the influence of modernity, a mind to go with what Geisler was saying. Upon my arrival to Ozark Christian College, I didn't think much about anything. Within a year or two there, being taught from professors in a very modern academic institution, then yes, my mind was shaped and learned to yield to the demands of modern logic and reason. But now... being set free, which I would say my journey to freedom started a year or two ago, I wonder how important the things that Geisler were saying are. I am not implying that to think as a post modernist is freedom, I am just saying that I began to think outside of the bondage of modernity that was gracefully wrapped around my fragile mind as a young Philosopher/Theologian wanna be.

But where am I now? Obviously I still have a bit in me that yearns to learn and know more about Jesus and great thinkers like David Hume. But not so much. I am much more concerned about me. About me me me me me me. I do not like that. In fact, I hate myself for it. Ironic that my obsession with me has lead me to hate myself. Well, I guess it makes sense, I for one have no problem whatsoever fully adopting the doctrine of total depravity. But all in all, I do not know what I think. I do not know who I am. I do not hate myself terribly, just annoyed at the irresponsibility I display with my intellect.

I suppose the Apostle Paul had the same dilemma, as he displays in Romans 7:14-25, with his psychoanalytical look into his depraved human condition:

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is the sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do- this I keep doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God- through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin."
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My passion is for myself. According to the things Paul is saying, my sinful nature is louder than my desire in my mind to delight in God's law. "The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. (Gal 5:19-21)"

Throughout Paul's brilliant letters to the churches scattered through Asia, he provides for us a wonderful theology of grace in Jesus Christ given through faith. I'm rusty in my wording, so be patient.

I guess what I am concluding is that I am a sinner, a fickle young and dumb 23 year old who wants to know what to do in life and wants to make money to live a comfortable life, to one day have a wife (ryhme), to play rocknroll music, to enjoy the sun, to get tattoos, i think, and to be a good son, brother, husband, and dad. But through all of that, I am a sinner, and tend to sin quite a bit. And I am given this struggle and stress that I am not good enough to be a Christian because I forsake thoughts and love for Jesus Christ for fantasies or ambitions of my own. What a wretched man I am, who will save me from this body of Death!?

I suppose all I have to do is close my eyes, or look up, raise my hands, or fold them, and believe and accept the grace of Jesus Christ, because I am a sinner saved by a God who died on a Cross and rose and is living today.

... but my passions fade I guess, and I often can't find the strength to do that.

News of the World

Every day I check yahoo news. It nothing in depth, but its just some headlines from the world. Everyday there is something terrible, such as a suicide bombing killing dozens of people, or a terrible case of child abuse, or a school shooting. Not too long ago there was a shooting at a church camp where there was a fatality or two and many injured. Most of the time when I see headlines like this my lip curls and I feel like I want to cry. I never do, i just feel obligated to apologize to the Creator of this world and go about my day, but not without remourse for the state of our world. At times my eyes may burn as if they want to tear up.

Today I woke and checked my mail. i still have yahoo mail, not cool enough for gmail yet. Today on yahoo news was the death of a disabled 14 year old girl. She was neglected by her gaurdian and died from malnourishment in her little chair. She starved to death, basically wasted or rotted away. Authorities said that there were maggots deep in her bones from bed sores. The guardian apparently wouldn't allow the younger brother to call an ambulence from his "obviously dying sister." The little girl died. She is a human being. A girl that was created in the image of God.

I later went to the YMCA and was watching the news Channel, i believe it was MSNBC. It was showing live footage of a search for a missing 4 year old girl. Some police dogs had just recently smelled what was decided the scent of decomposing flesh. The smell came from the trunk of a car, where they found blood stains, hair, and dirt. The girl is still missing. She is 4 years old. That is somebody's daughter. Somone, perhaps a father and mother, or maybe just one, raised this small girl until she was 4 years old. There was a mother daughter bond. That is a human being. A girl that was created in the image of God.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080801/ap_on_re_ca/canada_bus_stabbing
I then saw on the news at the YMCA and when I got home on the internet of case on a Greyhound bus where a 40 year old man calmy stabbed to death a 22 year old guy. After what whitnesses say was dozens of stabs, the man then severed the boys head and displayed. the bus stopped and the people fled. Some passengers made sure that the man couldn't get off the bus. He then calmy walked back and displayed the head of the young guy. He did all this suddenly without warning as he was sitting by the sleeping 22 year old boy. This 22 year old was only 5'4". they say he was a nice quiet young man. When I saw that on the news my lip curled. I was at the YMCA and had to walk to an isolated corner and just close my eyes to try to stop a tear. Eventually I left.

When I got home i found the headline and read it. I cried. I've actually been crying this whole time I've been typing this. I don't know what to do or think. I just feel extremely sorry and crushed. I feel so terrible for the disabled girl, for the precious 4 year old girl, and for the helpless 22 year old.

Everyone, every person's life is a story. A brilliant story. A dramatic, sad, and happy story, each day the end of a chapter leaving the person to wonder what's next. Each person either believes in God or believes they are God. Either way, their life is a precious thing that is meant to be lived. To truly be lived. To live and enjoy and explore. In each of our own lives, we have a brilliant and amazing journey. Life is precious. But these lives were taken. I dont want to get theological, but I've hear it said that the greatest journey in life is to know God, or perhaps find him, I think know him. Whether man knows it or not, that is his ultimate desire, but manifested in a many different ways.

People die everyday without knowing God. Without knowing the amazing grace of Jesus Christ. Without accepting through faith, salvation from our sins and the sins of this terribly ruined world. People live and die without Joy.

God....

Im My Room, But Outside the Window, But Trapped In My Head

I decided to create a new xanga. No, its a blog. This is more grown up, i suppose. I journal quite a bit. Its all right here inside my little 12 inch iBook G4. I always write my journals as if someone is going to eventually read them one day. Like if I unexpectedly die young, then the journal entries will be very very entertaining for those who were close to me. I never get extremely personal in my own journals for that very reason. Thats funny. There are times, however, when I get serious and confess some stuff. The other day I was at the library and I went back and read some of them, just the ones with intriguing titles.. the ones that I knew were about girls or romance. ha. I havent changed much since I've gotten this computer, which was when I was just turning 19 years old. And yes, this computer is showing signs of age. Computers age much faster than dogs.. dog years are 7 years to our 1. I think Computer years are 17 or 19 to our 1.

I'm in my room. It is very difficult to focus in here. It is very difficult to read in hear at times, although I manage, but not without many distractions. There is the internet, my stringed instruments, my harmonica, my camera, and then, the internet.. again. But here I am on the internet, in my room, looking out my window at the church next door, yet trapped... in my dadgum head. But I am writing. and thats nice to be able to write and not be at the library, which has been the summer trend for me.

I woke up feeling very terrible this morning. Bummed out. Had a person on my mind. and others. Woke up feeling louzy. Woke up feeling like a depraved dadgum sinner, but without enough energy to focus a conversation with the Creator. I do not wanna be anywhere, but I def do not want to be here. All my favorite songs this morning sound ugly. Its a bum feeling to look out into the week(s) and have nothing to be excited about. Life feels very small. Like the options are small. Like the places to go are limited. Like the people who I will eventually meet are few. Like my goals and ambitions are weak. Like mediocrity is my only choose. Oh well. I got a good crew.