Its always difficult. Rarely is an early breakfast with friends an easy task. For those of you who know me well, you know that there are only a very select small group of individuals who can transcend through my thick introverted field that surrounds me. I love my friends, all of them, but not all of them can I withstand during a strong introverted fit. In the mornings, I do not want to see or hear anyone, unless you are one of the select few. Those who are chosen as a select few aren't necessarily chosen by me. I think its just more of a how that person is built personality wise that allows them to always be at peace around me. You can be a hyper and high strung person and still be able to transcend, while someone who is really chill and easy going may not be able to transcend, I cannot choose. It just happens or happened.
I'm not a morning person.
I have carried this theme for the past 4 or 5 years: I wake up depressed the majority of every morning. Especially these past few mornings, this past month. July hasn't been a good month by any means. Does a bachelors degree mean anything to anyone? Does hard work and good references mean anyhting? I can't get a fucking job, I feel like shit, I actually had to borrow money from my dad this month. I am at an all time extreme level of dissapointment with myself. I'm just not happy. Jesus is my savior, but I ain't letting him. I'm putting my salvation and money in tomorow. Tomorrow is my savior. Tomorrow will make things better. Even though Tomorrow has yet to save me and make me happy, I still trust in it. I wonder why. Its easy to abandon logic. I'm not right.
Waking up is the worst part of the day. You wake realizing that nothing really changed, that your life still sucks, even though on the outside it looks great, and probably is great, but its just not worth it when you're just not happy, when joy is a foreign idea, only something you pretend to have because you're supposed too as a Christian. I have things to do today. I don't want to do them. I want to stay in my room, maybe go to the gym later. Everything's meaningless. Whats the worth of ambition, long term ambition and plans in a closed off deterministic universe when whatever the fuck is gonna happen happens. Welll that may not be true. But thats how it feels. Perhaps not. In the theological sense, I believe that things are gonna go down as they were intended to go down, but apart from a belief in God, i suppose that we are the only things or beings who can act as god, and with a lot of small gods running around, then our destinys are our owns, but that does nothing to give account to the things such as luck, or "bad deal" or "good deal." You can play your cards right every day and be a good person, but at some point, whether you like it or not, some shits gonna hit the fan,... in the bad way, and fuck your life up, at least temporarily. And it doesn't account for the belief or idea, perhaps a naive one, that everythings gonna turn out all right. yes, everything will be all right.
Whether we like it or not, we all acknoledge a God I think. We may not openly proclaim it, but our actions show it. We live in mystery and acknoledge it to a certain extent. We believe in forces above, in some sort of divine who is gonna take care of our loved ones when they are dead. We believe. I believe. Unfortunately for me, I have been taught about Jesus, a man who has wrecked my life becuase he supposedly loves me and died for me. Its hard to accept a gift like that when you are prideful and depressed, and in a wierd sort of way, want to stay that way (Rhyme).
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment